A blast from the past#

Recent events have led me in a LOT of directions.

Spending time on old profiles with my former name. Looking through pictures. More importantly looking through posts.

Holy shit… I don’t even know where to start.

I guess the first thing I need to say is I am sorry. I am sorry I ever got that low. In a lot of ways I was always that low. Sometimes even lower.

The next thing I need to say is another I am sorry.  I HAVE LET TO MANY PEOPLE SHAPE MY LIFE, WITH LITTLE TO NO INPUT FROM ME.

What does that mean? Well… I think everyone knows. Living a very dishonest life. I never lied, never stole, never intended to hurt.

My dishonesty, is purely based on social perception. I was never fully open with who I am… so everyone got to see a shell of me.

It is absolutely insane to me that I survived that. Every minute of everyday I hated looking at myself. Unable to relate to that person in the mirror, I could only rely on what everyone expected of me based on what I was born with in my pants.

Well fuck that.  I am sorry I deceived you based on my birth defect.

Stuff…. it is all honestly so fucking awesome right now. There is a lot of people adjusting. There are some that aren’t. There are some that will never.

I am not scared to start calling people out. I am not scared to hold their hand and help them understand.

I don’t think I am scared of anything anymore.  I have seen it all from physical, social, and mental abuse.  I walk away from it right now with a pretty big middle finger. That is fucking good news to all of you. I am not going anywhere!

I fucking love you all.  You all are going to bat for me. Keep using my name. Keep building me. I can never thank you enough.  I promise to never go back to that dark place I spent most of life. Even if things pull me back everyday.

You have my attention and honesty. I am sorry for not giving you this sooner.

❤

Am I Ready?

Hello 🙂

We are finally past the holidays!! Yay!!
Almost a month into 2015 and again there are lessons to be learned.

Honestly,I wanted to write an update blog, and not sure where to begin. I have spent a ton of time with my son. Every second is precious.

Laverne Cox. That night was amazing. Mostly. I walked away from it trying to figure out how I fit into the trans picture. Horrible experiences, including a bathroom incident that I tried to down play.  That situation is how we go to jail.

Guys getting to close. Women not interested in me being in their conversations and space. I expected this. The anxiety of even being there drives me nuts. Then when it happens… stumble over words… and try to fit in.

In the end… I walked away from that as the dude in the dress. 20 months of hormones couldn’t have convinced them otherwise.

Things are fragile. I am in a good place. Great state of mind.

All of my paperwork to finish the name change is here. The gender change is just a docs visit away.

I have tried to be vocal… but I realize most of my words come off to people I never see.

There are a few people I work with. My transition is more of a myth and rumor to them. It is far from a reality.

I am trying to do my annual review. I must include my transition in this if I am going to tackle this at work. Everyone knows.

The hormones make me feel great. Like a real person.  No longer feeling lost and feeding into poison that I feel pressured into.

There is still that gap though.

The social gap. Am I ready? Probably.
Am I full of anxiety? Yep. Am I tired of hearing the wrong pronouns and name?

Yep.

I mostly interact with people at work. I work a lot. Other than that it’s me and my son. He supports everything.

Am I ready to say this? No. Am I going to… I have to. Is it going to affect anything? I hope. I am tired of talking about it.

I am a woman. Thats it.

I am ok with doing me solo. I have tried dating…. and guess what… my own fears are true. I don’t look good, I don’t fit in, I am very bitter, I am sexually incompatible. Most friends I make we speak for about 2 months… and well… not much after that. I am scared to reach out. Probably my fault.

In the end… yes, I have to get this done. For me. I don’t want to go back to that suicidal place.

Just call me a woman to my face, laugh behind my back. Leave me alone. I am used to that empty place. I have lived my entire life there.

I am ok finishing there.

…Good Friends and a bottle of Pills

Looking back on what seems like ages ago, I was posting in a small sub on reddit. I remember not showing who I was… never posting pictures. Just chatting a little. Mostly it was telling other people how awesome they were and how I liked their clothes.

I slowly started to move on..  and other yet another account, share pictures.  The triggers in my life were being pulled, and I was very close to ending it all.

This small community gave me a little hope, as my life began to unravel. They gave me some hope and sanity.  This community is full of awesome people even to this day.  They helped me get there.

Almost 2 years ago I finally admitted I was transgender to the first person. I had known to myself for a long, long time this was me. First was my son’s mother, I still miss her deeply. I miss talking and having that confidence in her. She is an amazing person.

Then came my childhood best friend. I feared coming out to him. He showed me that things would be ok.

Then an old high school crush. Not sure why… I just new it was right to come out to her next.

She has become one of the loudest supporters of trans people I have ever met.

I do not know what I would do without her. She has held my hand. Helped me when there was no one else to help. Led me through hell and back.

Every month it is like a small celebration of my monthly anniversary for starting HRT. She probably knows more about me than I do.

It wears on her. I can see it. Everytime a trans person dies, gets hurt… anything. It drags on her. She works her ass off for her husband and kids. She is still the loudest supporter I know.

She goes to church. Faces fire for all of us. She does so with a huge passion.

It wears on her. At the end of the day… all she wants to see is a smile on my face. Or yours. Any trans man or woman’s face… a smile.

I have never seen any cis individual speak so fiercely for the trans community. Everyday, I am speechless.

I would love for once, her to realize everything she does. Day in, day out. Tireless. For every trans person out there.

Connie, you are brilliant. Stay rad. If you can handle that, I will stay on my little blue pills 🙂

❤

Silence

Sitting here alone can lead to a lot of time to reflect.

Flipping through old photos. A life that seems so distant and far away… but every memory as potent and painful as the next.

Sorting through conversations, past present and future.

It was 2 years ago that I started this personal journey with myself to answer my own questions. Looking back it was maybe the questions I was looking for… I already knew the answers.

Watching people change… as I opened up was perplexing.  Was this person that they were slowly seeing all of different? I certainly didn’t feel different. Even after starting hormones. The feelings were all to familiar, I was just more willing to accept them as a part of me.

Walking down the street now, I can pretty easily categorize anyone into 5 categories. 

Some people coddle. Overly. Yah, I am pretty damn broken. Thanks for reminding me constantly with the non stop reminders I will be ok.

Some people smile and accept, but are to scared to do much more… because you know, trans people are weird. It might hurt your reputation if you are to supportive of us.

Some people are blank. Do not care. Will not care. In fact these are the ones that tend to think that we are playing a game. Snickers, giggles, and ill intended jokes are the result.

Some people are negative… but smile to your face. Spreading their own narcissistic views to others. Hoping to slam you back to their reality.

Some people have pure hate. You are a freak. Period. God hates you is usually the followup to this.

No where in here is…. you are a person. Just a normal everyday person. No where is just that middle ground.

My opinion, is often mocked. Well… you know you probably wouldn’t have issues if you weren’t doing something weird. Be like me… because I am awesome! These are qoutes from friends. Those could continue for days.

Someone shows me a dress at work… I comment I like it. Thats followed up with people shaking their heads.

So really…. right now.  My happy place is silence. I am not dissapointing anyone. 

No dissapointment for the coddlers when I don’t feel like dressing up and going out.

Nothing for the supportive to smile at and just hope I am ok.

Nothing for the indifferent to be concerned about.

No negative or anything to be embarrassed about for those that do not support.

Nothing for the hateful to spew ignorance at.

Its kind of comfy here. Reading. Playing video games. Watching a movie. Browsing the internet. Doing laundry. Hiding. Cuddles with my dog.

Not dissapointing anyone. I am not good enough for a relationship… because well…. no matter what group you are in. I will disappoint you.

I have my own group. A quiet one. Where I can be happy. Maybe I am just rebuilding my walls. The more I think about it…. it is cozy.

I apologize now if I just stop talking. I am out of words until a future time and place. If I ever find my voice…

Until then… brick by brick. Lets rebuild this wall.

k

Transition

I appoligize in advance for this shitpost… but it has to go.

My own life has been filled with not much more than empty spaces, dissapearing faces, and brief traces of who… or what I might have been.

This past week has taught me a lot. To sit down, shut up, and just show up.  I have no voice.  This post will at most be read by three people.

At work, I am the faggot.  My opinion is irrelevant because I gave up my man card. I am not a man, nor will I ever be a woman. I am just a faggot.  Yep.  Thats how my boss shapes me up.  This is a job… and especially my staff… that is my life…. that means everything to me. This is all I have.  I have no voice.  I am not allowed to. I am not human.

Work causes Dysphoria. Because I work as him.  It creates confusion among my friends. Online is the only place I exsist.

The holidays are here. I am going to sit here and cry. No family no where to go. Only work.

Yes sir. Yes maam. Please tell me all about your families. I really want to hear how much joy you get from them.  Might as well live vicariously.

No… the real truth is I am ready for my next transition.  My transition into a skeleton. I will at least look pretty cool then.

…and justice for all

Seeking no truth
Winning is all
Find it so grim so true so real.

The world I was locked into. Politics… building for a better day. Play the game and you will get the ‘murican dream. 

That was a nightmare.  A damn lie. No matter what you do… people will seek more. Major blinders on my eyes…. I always felt I was doing what I should have been doing.

Oh how the tables have turned.

Wisdom is a curious thing. It truely is gained from experience rather than just being smart.  Always thinking that maybe.. just maybe… I had answers didn’t work out.  I did not have the truth to stand behind my answers.

I am now back on my feet.  How the hell did I get here?

I tore down my walls. Told the truth. My transition has been hell.  Pure hell. Not really because of negative reactions. Just simply because I did loose it all.

That is ok. I have watched who my friends are…. and who they really are not.  This alone is beauty.

For the first time that I can remember… I enjoy waking up everyday. Finding things to smile about. Don’t tell anyone… but I was skipping while walking my puppy. No really… don’t tell anyone. I am a horrible skipper. I smacked my head and got a concussion.

Where the hell does this lead me? I don’t know!!!! That is exciting!!!! Unknown. Clean slate. Each day is a new day to be better than the last. It is incredibly beautiful.

Hearing all you crazy people support me… hearing K instead of the wrong things. Your posts. Your sacrifice.

Now I have no path (yet), but I have the goals. There is no reason I wont get there. 

I will wake up tomorrow, and try to be better than the day before. This is new for me.

Wisdom.. fucking sweet.

Love you all.

K

Time and space.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Time, the clock never stops. Tick, tock. A man made tracking device, designed to get us to where we are meant to be, precisely when we are supposed to be there.

Tick, tock.

There, our location in space. Inanimate or flesh and blood, that precise location.

When and where?
Tick, tock.

Stretch yourself thin, reach for the time… the space…

A discounted life. All for others… tick, tock, there.

Constructed on a false idea that your tick, your tock, your there, may be relevant.

No, there is no longer precious. You are late for your next destination. 

Bearing my teeth, I arive. This day is mine.

Fuck your tick, fuck your tock, fuck your there.

This one is mine.

\,,/

The needed change.

Hello!!!

It has been a good month since I did a post, and randomly decided tonight that it is time to share what is happening.

I am chilling here with my doggies… maverick and hobbes, rocking some John Coltrane (thinking of you Doug McNew, miss and love you. Rip).

The move is done. I am back at a familiar place where I spent some of the best years of my life. A lot of good memories were made here, and many more to come. Yeah… I said good memories.

It is just me and the puppies and Gavin as often as my work schedule allows.

This is the first time in my life that I have had my own place. Something about this is exciting and awesome. A brand new start. Dealing with my transition now on my terms.

No longer constantly hearing I need help, or fearing being in trouble.  Fear is leaving.
The new place genuinely feels like home, and not a project I am doing for others. I worry about me, and making sure Gavin is comfy and built for success.

This is probably some of the biggest things I have felt in the past month…. my transition is no longer relevant. It is ongoing, but the worst is over. I don’t fear walking out this door, nor explaining to everyone what the hell is going on anymore.

Life is finally on the upswing. Work, life, transition, it all makes sense now.

I have some wonderful coworkers, I am hearing K and Kira a bit at work… everything is just falling in place.

So cheers… a new place, one that is totally mine for the first time ever, is really awesome. More importantly knowing I am not sick or broken (I heard this for toooooo many years)… I am healing.

My name is K. And I am ok.

Hello, as most of you know, my name is Kira. Most people know me as K. They are in fact surprised that I am the same person they have always known! Just a little more open.

I have been reading a lot online, and thinking a lot about the battle for marriage equality. A battle that is still raging, but certainly at some point coming to an end. Politicians are learning quickly they are loosing public support. This stuff is going to happen, and we need something else to protect our families from.

Why not those transgenders? They can not possibly be stable, productive people. They must be after our children and our wives!!

To let them use a restroom to relieve themselves would be horrible. They aren’t there to poop or pee (I like kindergarten words… sue me), they are here to touch our wives, our daughters, or maybe our sons!!!

Transgenders are attacking our marriages, you don’t know if you are engaged to a boy or girl anymore, they are confused nut jobs out to deceive us!!

The list goes on and on. Politicians lost on gay issues. The next step is to put us down. Make us the evil doers. Make us the predators.

Everyone that I am posting this to knows a trans person. At least one. Me.

Ladies, do you really think I am going to rape you in the bathroom? I will be honest, I have to pee… and those parts… don’t work like you think.

Men and women, do you feel that I should be hidden away from your children? My son has a blast with me. I am a good parent. He understands me being trans… no big deal.

Men and women, do you really think if I go for even a first date that everything is not disclosed? I am fooling no one. I may be stuck being the manliest girl you ever met… but it doesn’t change anything.

Please, as the election cycle is coming up, pay attention to who we vote for. Trans is the new political gay.

A vote for anyone on an anti trans ramp is damaging to me. You all have a face to go with trans now. I am not dangerous, in fact pretty peaceful. More so than ever in m life.

Support me, and my brothers and sisters. Just being a friend and telling people you know a trans person is changing the world.
Thank you.

Back to the future

It has been a bit since I did a blog post. No real reason why, and at the same time, lots of reasons why.

The past month is the first time in my life that I have really spent anytime alone. Did I learn anything? Probably.

I think one of the biggest mistakes I have made in life is trying to live for those around me. I have wanted nothing more than to show I can do this. I will go get this, or that, I can do it.

It was all about show, about representing what others viewed me as. To show that I wasn’t a failure… even though to myself… I was.

I still was living that lie a bit until the past month. Sitting alone can have some profound affects on someone. What to do? There is no one left to show my awesomeness (or lack of) to.

All of my thoughts really changed this past weekend.

I had to come to terms with some personal stuff in my life, and realize I can not be helping anyone through their own battles right now. I have to many of my own, that I will win.

A very dear friend went with me to see against me. As always, it was awesome.

It was also the first time in my life, that someone took the time to do my makeup.. and hair. I almost cried for days at the thought of that. It meant sooo much.

The night happened, I was an asshole over trans issues, which…. to be honest I hate the reaction, but it is a natural thing to a lot of trans people. Of course people cam google it, but sitting down and putting a face to the trans community… well that means a lot to people. I fucked that up.

We went out for food, and well, I made a mistake assuming the bar was serving food. Well… I ended up meeting half of my coworkers… in a skirt.

I just spilled it all.. quickly… and the whole experience was actually really supportive. That age old question kept coming up.

Are you happy?

Well. Reflecting on the weekend, and what is honestly life changing events. Yes. For sure.

I am proud to be out. I was very happy at everyone’s reaction.

I am not happy about being a negative voice in the trans community. Again, maybe this is my want for others… but… damnit… I despise being hateful.

Someone beautiful showed me that, it wasn’t my staff.

Someone that is so amazingly honest, I learned one of the biggest lessons of my life.

I love her for what she did. Standing up for, and to a trans individual takes a lot of guts. She opened my eyes a bit wider, and made me realize that the only person stopping me… is myself.

I am doing all of this for myself, my son, and those around me. My grandma giggled when I told her I would rather die a happy old woman, than a depressed young man.

Thank you all for the life lessons.
I feel like I am getting younger (doing puberty again doesn’t help) and wiser. I am going to get the future I was after to begin with.

I am happy, and happy you are here to read this.

❤ K