Where is my mind?

Holidays are over for awhile. Sweet. This is the time of year I started to get comfortable last year with the concept of transition.
Many of you watched a year ago as I started to stand up for me, and yell… I have sort of lied to you for a long time. I really can not believe i did this. Like, I feel pretty warm and fuzzy, not for my lifelong lie… but just coming clean.

A dear friend asked me a few weeks ago a huge question. Why are you transitioning? What does it mean to you?

My first thought was astonishment. I knew all the the answers! I had practiced this conversation. Then… i just could not answer. I was just stuck… practicing answers to questions that will come up.. what a silly concept.

The end result is admitting that I did not change. I simply found myself. I knew she was there. I just didn’t want to tell you about her.

What I had practiced was a very rehearsed conversation from reading way to much about transphobia. Assualted, beaten, broken. It was full of hate.

What it came out it was small… until it expanded in my brain.  I can go buy a cute summer dress now… i really don’t give a fuck about what people think. I look people in the eye and say, don’t bro me, don’t call me man. I mean that. I say this at work, and if my staff started calling me K, her, she… I would probably turn red. And smile, really fucking big.

I can breathe, and just keep rolling. There is no real timeline on when things happen.
I can just do.

So where am I going? Where is my mind?
Well my feet are in the air, my head is on the ground… and I am trying this trick and spinning it.

One year of hormone therapy has taught me a ton about who I am and If you want to hear the words out of my mouth… yah, I want to be pretty. Most girls like that. Just like most guys like at least occasionally looking good.

There is nothing broken or wrong. I have seen the doctors, and therapists. I am diagnosed with gender dysphoria. To me it is no different then any other birth defect. I want to live a happy life.

The docs say I have a female brain. Yah… I can agree with that. Working on the body. I just want to be recognized as a normal person.

The funny thing is… I didn’t change. I will still rock, love hockey (My Avalanche! #Whynotus), music, gaming, cooking, golf, art, horrible jokes, and whatever else.

The bad news is I am female. I am about to live that life full time… legal changes… surgery… all of it. If you do not like that, go away. Need you I do not.

Oh and one last coming out, I am slightly bi, but…. considering I will be fully female soon… yes… i am gay.

So, where is my mind?
In my heart.

Why I hate holidays.

Easter. Quite honestly, a small holiday to me. I have lost any faith I had in a divine deity sometime ago. Why would anyone throw someone into this situation?

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter… more a time to connect with family. Birthdays…

I had hoped to see my son at least over the weekend, I managed to see him for a few short hours. At his age he was excited to be home and catch up on his games, and the things he enjoys. I won’t take that from him.

In the end, this is just like any holiday anymore. I am not invited, I am not welcome. We do not celebrate with your kind. We do not want to see you, or understand you.

Alone. All weekend, the most company I had was some weirdo on okcupid trying
to set up a date…. yay, another person trying to hurt me.

Fuck holidays, I don’t have a family anymore. I don’t know what it is to celebrate them. I am not welcome, and apparently… it is better to keep the kids away from me.

Are you taking care of yourself?

Obviously it’s been a rough year for me. It has been a rough year for anyone that gives a damn about me.  There is a story I really haven’t shared about this journey. Let’s start there.

Reading an article in Rolling Stone about Tom Gabel (The last time I will ever type that name) made me cry. The article was about the music and her journey coming out. I related to a lot of Against Me! Lyrically, I understood that journey. Never knew why. Until I read that article almost 2 years ago. My jaw dropped… every lyric I related to, suddenly made sense!

Here is the link to those that never read it! http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/the-secret-life-of-transgender-rocker-tom-gabel-20120531

I feared for her! Her career! I thought it was so beautiful and so awesome! I kept thinking I wish I could do that. Went back to a lot of her albums just listening! Enjoying it, and praying things would work out in her career! This was awesome! I was so excited for her, but didn’t have anyone I could tell, someone might find out about me if I shared my joy for her!

I kind of lived off of those old albums, and started hunting down info. My longtime relationship ended. I was so far out there, and trying to find myself. Exciting, and horrible time for me. Laura Jane had pushed a button…. and I knew. I just fucking knew. Started sharing a few trans timelines with a friend or two… no one would even talk about it. Looking back, I am sure they knew about me, but would not speak of it. 

Trying to dry out and figure out my isolation led me into more suicide, as you all now… that’s not this story. So, I came out, at the same time, Laura Jane finally started to talk some more, a few more videos of her started to surface, Looking back, I dug for some stuff for a minute, and realize just how long her journey took! I am living it now!!

Eventually, probably my favorite album of all time came out. Transgender Dysphoria Blues. It is full of triggers for me. It is however so big. Big loud and honest. I fell in love with it, and knew most of it before it was released, due to Laura’s endless touring, hard work, and of course all of those around her making her dream come true!!!

Well, Laura and her amazing team came through indy.  My best friend, and guardian angel made sure I was there. She took care of me all weekend, and just made sure I was having fun! 

Friday night, I got off work, had a job interview… I don’t even really care about pay, this about me connecting. The interview went amazing. I was shocked at the result… I was late though. Eventually met up with my pal, and went to get beer and wings. Smiles, stories, and just excitement.

Slept in on Saturday. That was awesome. We both needed it. Decided I was going to play a horrible joke. Went golfing for a few, and went in boy mode. I told her we were heading out and to grab the tickets.  I was in pants and a hockey jersey!! The fear was in her eyes! So respectful though!! We went for more beer and good food after hitting some golf balls around (horribly), and finally I told her I had to go home before going to indy. Her eyes relaxed. She knew why I was going home. 

Got dressed up, and headed to at least see my inspiration in person. Laura Jane. The ride up was awesome, the awkward situations not there! Am I passing? At the show I even had a conversation about the NHL playoff race!!! Just fun all around. 

Just before Against Me! took the stage, I used the ladies room, and as i was washing my hands…. I started to cry uncontrollably. The person that had really pushed me into coming out, and transitioning, was about to be in front of me. I made up my mind I was going to be front and center… no questions asked! I was crying hard… and a bunch of girls expressed their concern, I quietly muttered “I am trans, I am about to see the reason I came out.” That statement can go horribly wrong in the bathroom…. instead it was all love, and just amazing words of support. I continued to cry, left the bathroom… got a beer, and it was time.

Friends were close to the stage. So I made my way back. Drank my beer, madness started, and I did just what I wanted. Stood right in front of Laura Jane. Rocked out for hours, cried a lot. There she was. Lost my shoes, spent most of the concert barefoot (somehow they migrated back to me!) Rock rock rock. At one point Laura Jane stage dove! Kicked me in the head! Awesome 🙂

Lots of tears and rock later, the show was over. Friends I had made in the crowd found me, to hug me and smile. I was honestly, a little drunk, and more in shock than anything. Exhausted. We left, and I needed to find some smokes, so we went and found that. Then it was heading back to the truck to figure out the rest of the night. 

I had hoped I could find Laura somewhere just to say hi or something…. well we were parked right by the back door. 

I ended up meeting Laura, getting a little advise… (take care of yourself… ) one of the cutest, and purest looks of joy I have ever seen in anyones eyes… and the biggest hug I think I have ever had. And a really cute pic of my inspiration.

The journey came full circle. Thanks to Laura Jane, and a goofy girl named Connie, who will not let me die. I ended up in a packed steak and shake down town indy, smelling of sweat and beer… freezing… in a dress… and a smile that still hasn’t left my face… found some guacamole too… mmmm….

So, yah… Laura said something to me, that honestly, starts the next phase. Those are personal words, I may never share. The hard part is over. Everything has come full circle. With people like Gavin, Connie, Shaun, and countless others in my daily lives that are watching me win, and cheering me on… 

Be careful…. you might all get what you want….. that teenager back, ready to set the world on fire. The bruises on my skin, and the smile on my face, and more importantly in my heart and soul after this weekend…. certainly suggest that!

I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

❤ K