Sitting here alone can lead to a lot of time to reflect.
Flipping through old photos. A life that seems so distant and far away… but every memory as potent and painful as the next.
Sorting through conversations, past present and future.
It was 2 years ago that I started this personal journey with myself to answer my own questions. Looking back it was maybe the questions I was looking for… I already knew the answers.
Watching people change… as I opened up was perplexing. Was this person that they were slowly seeing all of different? I certainly didn’t feel different. Even after starting hormones. The feelings were all to familiar, I was just more willing to accept them as a part of me.
Walking down the street now, I can pretty easily categorize anyone into 5 categories.
Some people coddle. Overly. Yah, I am pretty damn broken. Thanks for reminding me constantly with the non stop reminders I will be ok.
Some people smile and accept, but are to scared to do much more… because you know, trans people are weird. It might hurt your reputation if you are to supportive of us.
Some people are blank. Do not care. Will not care. In fact these are the ones that tend to think that we are playing a game. Snickers, giggles, and ill intended jokes are the result.
Some people are negative… but smile to your face. Spreading their own narcissistic views to others. Hoping to slam you back to their reality.
Some people have pure hate. You are a freak. Period. God hates you is usually the followup to this.
No where in here is…. you are a person. Just a normal everyday person. No where is just that middle ground.
My opinion, is often mocked. Well… you know you probably wouldn’t have issues if you weren’t doing something weird. Be like me… because I am awesome! These are qoutes from friends. Those could continue for days.
Someone shows me a dress at work… I comment I like it. Thats followed up with people shaking their heads.
So really…. right now. My happy place is silence. I am not dissapointing anyone.
No dissapointment for the coddlers when I don’t feel like dressing up and going out.
Nothing for the supportive to smile at and just hope I am ok.
Nothing for the indifferent to be concerned about.
No negative or anything to be embarrassed about for those that do not support.
Nothing for the hateful to spew ignorance at.
Its kind of comfy here. Reading. Playing video games. Watching a movie. Browsing the internet. Doing laundry. Hiding. Cuddles with my dog.
Not dissapointing anyone. I am not good enough for a relationship… because well…. no matter what group you are in. I will disappoint you.
I have my own group. A quiet one. Where I can be happy. Maybe I am just rebuilding my walls. The more I think about it…. it is cozy.
I apologize now if I just stop talking. I am out of words until a future time and place. If I ever find my voice…
Until then… brick by brick. Lets rebuild this wall.
k
kirapaige144 