Hello 🙂
We are finally past the holidays!! Yay!!
Almost a month into 2015 and again there are lessons to be learned.
Honestly,I wanted to write an update blog, and not sure where to begin. I have spent a ton of time with my son. Every second is precious.
Laverne Cox. That night was amazing. Mostly. I walked away from it trying to figure out how I fit into the trans picture. Horrible experiences, including a bathroom incident that I tried to down play. That situation is how we go to jail.
Guys getting to close. Women not interested in me being in their conversations and space. I expected this. The anxiety of even being there drives me nuts. Then when it happens… stumble over words… and try to fit in.
In the end… I walked away from that as the dude in the dress. 20 months of hormones couldn’t have convinced them otherwise.
Things are fragile. I am in a good place. Great state of mind.
All of my paperwork to finish the name change is here. The gender change is just a docs visit away.
I have tried to be vocal… but I realize most of my words come off to people I never see.
There are a few people I work with. My transition is more of a myth and rumor to them. It is far from a reality.
I am trying to do my annual review. I must include my transition in this if I am going to tackle this at work. Everyone knows.
The hormones make me feel great. Like a real person. No longer feeling lost and feeding into poison that I feel pressured into.
There is still that gap though.
The social gap. Am I ready? Probably.
Am I full of anxiety? Yep. Am I tired of hearing the wrong pronouns and name?
Yep.
I mostly interact with people at work. I work a lot. Other than that it’s me and my son. He supports everything.
Am I ready to say this? No. Am I going to… I have to. Is it going to affect anything? I hope. I am tired of talking about it.
I am a woman. Thats it.
I am ok with doing me solo. I have tried dating…. and guess what… my own fears are true. I don’t look good, I don’t fit in, I am very bitter, I am sexually incompatible. Most friends I make we speak for about 2 months… and well… not much after that. I am scared to reach out. Probably my fault.
In the end… yes, I have to get this done. For me. I don’t want to go back to that suicidal place.
Just call me a woman to my face, laugh behind my back. Leave me alone. I am used to that empty place. I have lived my entire life there.
I am ok finishing there.
kirapaige144 